


Camisado

by jazzyo3



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Oneshot, Songfic, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-07
Updated: 2013-06-07
Packaged: 2017-12-21 17:31:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/902958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jazzyo3/pseuds/jazzyo3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Can't take the kid from the fight,<br/>Take the fight from the kid.</p><p>(WARNING: Mentions of suicide/suicide attempt, overdose, and depression)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Camisado

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this based on the song Camisado by Panic! at the Disco. The lyrics are really powerful and I just had the strongest urge to make it into a fic. Not gonna lie, it was pretty painful to write. I hope you guys like it!

Ray and Gavin had been dating for almost a year. A couple months into their relationship, Gavin thought that something seemed off. Ray was always in a distant sort of state and it was harder to make him laugh. When they were invited out, Ray wouldn't want to go, but he forced himself to some nights for Gavin. He started conversations less often and would drop them easily. Gavin didn't know what to do. He'd never seen Ray like this and it was breaking his heart.

He finally built up enough courage to ask what's wrong one night when they were in bed. They turned the lights out, and he slung an arm around Ray's waist. Ray closed his eyes and started to relax. Gavin laid still for a good five minutes before he was able to blurt it out.

"Is there something wrong?"

Ray opened his eyes at the sound. He turned around to face Gavin. "What do you mean?"

Gavin looked right into his eyes and chose his words carefully. "Things... have been different. Are you okay, Ray?"

Ray bit his lip. He wasn't expecting Gavin to bring up his recent moods and he really didn't want to talk about it. He faked his best smile and pecked Gavin on the lips.

"Of course. I'm fine." He hoped that Gavin would just drop it right there.

"No you're not." Ray internally sighed. "Please... Please tell me what's going on. Am I doing something wrong?" Gavin looked genuinely upset and Ray couldn't stand to see the sight.

"No, no no no," Ray assured him. "I've just... felt kinda weird lately, I guess."

Gavin kept looking at him, waiting for an elaboration, and Ray felt obliged to give one.

"I'm... I'm tired, Gav."

"I know," Gavin responded. "But please, I just want to talk about--"

Ray cut him off. "No, I mean... I'm _tired_. I'm tired of... living, really. I'm exhausted. I don't want to be here. I mean, I do -- but only for you."

Gavin was silent, trying to process the new information. Ray decided to continue.

"Everything is just so fucking much. And then I try to slow things down and get a break, but nothing is ever enough. I'm always fucking out of it. I can't stand being me."

The words hurt Gavin, even though they weren't about him. He wanted Ray to be happy and love himself like he loved Ray. He wanted to do everything in the world to show Ray that he was worth it, but he didn't know how. And it almost seemed too late at this point. That didn't stop him from trying, though.

"I know things feel tough right now..." he started, "but you just have to keep going. It won't be this way forever. You have so much to look forward to. Just think about it. There are so many reasons to be here."

Ray just stared at Gavin's shirt. The words weren't getting through to him. The things he felt had already eaten away at him, and he was numb.

"Ray."

He looked up to Gavin's face. Gavin tightened his hold around him and kept his eye contact.

"Just promise me that you'll make it to the morning, and we'll work it out from there."

Ray nodded and gave a little smile. Maybe this was just what he needed. Maybe he could get over whatever this was.

—————————————————————————————————————

Over the next two weeks, Ray's behavior wasn't changing. If Gavin didn't know any better, he'd have said it was getting worse. He rarely left the apartment, and when he did, it was just to go to work. He often convinced Gavin to let him stay home and took the heat from Geoff later, so video production was becoming slow. Gavin was really getting concerned and he knew that things needed to change immediately. After a long discussion, he finally got Ray to agree to see a doctor.

Ray was soon prescribed antidepressants. Gavin thought that they'd fix things, or at least ease the situation, but they didn't work quite the way he thought they would. When Ray took them, he was really spaced out and distant -- not like he'd usually been; on the pills he was in more of a foggy, hazed state. What Ray didn't tell Gavin was that the pills were pushing him over the edge. They'd been warned millions of times that the medication had some side possible side effects such as suicidal tendencies, but Gavin had dismissed them because he was confident that Ray wasn't going to do anything to hurt himself.

He was wrong. Ray felt awful when he was drugged up. He felt like he wasn't even in his own body and all he could fantasize about were ways to end it all. He knew this wasn't right, he knew this was the opposite of what Gavin wanted. So in the morning, he'd pretend to take the pills by hiding them under his tongue, and when Gavin left, he'd spit them out into the toilet and flush them.

He was able to avoid the effect of the medication, but things still weren't getting better. Most days, he couldn't find the energy to get out of bed in the morning, so he'd sleep the day away. Gavin would come home with some food and a movie and curl up next to him, whispering words of encouragement to him as he was falling asleep and always making sure to tell him to make it to the morning.

One Saturday afternoon, Gavin was getting ready to go get drinks with Michael.

"Are you sure you'll be fine tonight?" he called from the bathroom. Ray was in bed, idly playing Pokémon on the DS that Gavin had brought to him a few minutes ago.

"Yes, Gav," he replied just loud enough so that he could hear. "Don't worry about it. You deserve to go see your friends; you don't always have to be cooped up in here with me."

Gavin finished messing with his hair and walked over to the bedroom, seating himself on the edge of the bed next to Ray.

"You know I'd give up anything to spend my night here with you. I just want to make sure you don't mind--"

"I'm _fine_." Ray paused his game and leaned up to kiss Gavin on the cheek, then lay back down. "You have fun, okay? Tell Michael I said hi." He gave a little smile and Gavin returned it with a grin.

"I will." He stood up from the bed and started heading to the doorway. "You be good," he said. It was already pretty late, so he knew he'd probably be home after Ray was asleep. "Goodnight. I'll see you in the morning."

Ray nodded to him. "Goodnight. I love you."

Gavin smiled. "I love you too." With that, he turned around and left the apartment to pick up Michael and go to the bar.

They were having a great time together, and after Gavin had finished his second beer about two hours later, he decided to text Ray to check up on him.

_Hey love. How's the game going? You still awake? Love you_

After a few minutes, there was still no response, so he assumed that Ray had fallen asleep. He smiled at the thought. He was so glad that Ray was trying to get better and he couldn't wait for the days where he'd be able to leave the house again. He was excited to get back home and slip under the covers next to him. Maybe it was the alcohol making him feel extra grateful that night, but he just... He loved Ray, he really did.

He thought for a moment. "Hey, Michael?"

"Yeah?" Michael responded after he took the last sip of the bottle.

"Do you want to visit my place for a few minutes or something? You know, before I drop you off."

Michael shrugged. "Sure. Why?"

"I just figured you haven't seen Ray in a while and maybe it'd cheer him up to see you."

Michael smiled and nodded. "Yeah. Let's go."

Michael was honestly excited to see Ray. The last time they'd talked in person was over two weeks ago, and even though he hadn't admitted it, he'd missed him like hell. It was torture to sit next to an empty seat all day where your best friend used to be. They texted every now and then but it still didn't fill the void between them.

Gavin unlocked the door and led them inside. The living room light was still on from when Gavin had left. Ray must have been too comfortable to get up and turn it off.

Michael followed as Gavin crossed the hall to the bedroom. He peeked inside, but Ray wasn't there. The sheets were a mess and the lamp was still on from earlier. His DS sat open on the bed, his game still paused.

"Huh," Gavin said. "He must be in the bathroom. You can go start watching TV; we'll be out in a minute."

Michael nodded and padded back to the living room, finding a spot on the couch and turning on the TV. Gavin removed his sweatshirt and tossed it lazily on the bedroom floor. The door to the bathroom was closed and the light was on. He walked over to it and knocked lightly.

"Ray?" he asked when he didn't hear anything, and there was no answer. He knocked a little harder. "Ray, I'm home, and I have a surprise for you!"

Nothing.

He frowned with confusion and placed a hand on the doorknob. He didn't want to disturb him if he was in there, but it wasn't like Ray to just ignore him. He twisted it, and when it wouldn't move, he realized it was locked. Maybe he _was_ just being silent.

"Ray, come on! Don't be a git." He jiggled the doorknob a few times, and there was still nothing. He held still for a moment and a lump started to swell in his throat.

"Ray. This isn't funny. Please open it."

Silence.

He turned around and sped to the living room where Michael was. He grabbed his shoulder and started pointing to the bathroom. "Michael, Ray won't open up, and it's locked, and I can't get in..."

Michael was obviously confused, but he could tell that Gavin was in a panic and needed help. He stood up in a swift motion and made his way to the bathroom door while Gavin followed closely behind. He looked at Gavin, who was now starting to breathe heavier.

"Gav, calm down. I need you to help me push it open, okay?" Gavin nodded frantically.

"On three, shove your arm against it as hard as you can." They readied themselves and stood against the door.

"One... two... _three_!" They both threw all of their weight against it and it flew open, cracking some of the wood off of the frame as it went.

Gavin was right -- Ray was in there. He sat on the floor with his eyes closed, his knees up and his head tilted back against the bath tub's edge. It took the two of them a few long seconds to realize that his right hand was weakly lying on the linoleum floor with an empty pill bottle in the palm of it. After the delay of the shock, they immediately knelt down to see if he was okay. Gavin pressed two fingers against his wrist, then against his throat, then his wrist again. He didn't feel anything. He didn't feel the heartbeat that he'd grown used to falling asleep to.

His breath caught in his throat and his body didn't know how to react. The shock was setting in. He didn't have time to think about what was going on. All he could do was attempt to formulate words which proved unsuccessful as he dialed 911 and nothing came out. Michael grabbed the phone from him and talked with the operator, and Gavin just sat on his knees next to Ray, shaking him by the shoulders to try and wake him up.

Michael started following directions he was being given over the phone and Gavin stood back to let him continue. Then he noticed a piece of paper on the counter of the sink that he'd missed when they broke in. It was jagged at the edges from being carelessly torn out of a notebook and the words were scrawled with drying-out Sharpie.

****_this isnt an accident  
_ **_couldnt make it to the morning  
_ ** ****_love you_


End file.
